Wipe Out!

bathroomWipe out

I can almost hear the jam on the steel drums, the surfer dudes and their Betties rock’n to the beat just before the crowd screams wipe out! This is straight potty mouth talking but there is no better way to confirm you’re in a bachelor pad then by a trip to the lue. Single-handedly the singleton does as much damage as a cross country trucker. The bathroom looks like a 24-hour rest stations that for reasons well-known are lock with a wooden block key.


The floor is sticky below. A shaggy green bathmat sits center stage like the bull’s eye on a target, directing you where to walk.  Above, paint chips peel back from all four corners of the wall with the ceiling around the tub almost completely revealed. There’s a porn collection on the floor which may just be what this guy’s wiping with because there is no toilette paper on the roll. It takes a minute to find Charmin’s lovable Mr. Whipple, glued to the ground with condensation near the bowl. You bend down to retrieve it, grossed out as it turns it into spitball making artillery.


Dana in Miami takes it one step further, “The bathroom, it is dirty or NO towels, poop stains in toilet, need I go on???” 


That’s not all she wrote. There’s the icing on the cake to this experience is laid thick when its time to wash your hands. Please have mercy and let there be soap!


Honestly guy, this says it all. You’re the secret slob JD Salinger creates as Caulfield’s nemesis in Catcher in the Rye.  Holden says, “You should’ve seen the razor he shaved himself with. It was always rusty and full of lather and hairs and crap.”

Jean Stradlater may look like the handsome yearbook guy but he is a phony. He is egotistical and lives like a pig. A conceited ladies’ man under a façade of smoke and mirrors, he thinks he is doing a woman a favor by talking to her and haughtily tells her what he thinks she wants to hear. True to form, when the smoke clears, he leaves a mess behind.


  • Call in Mr. Clean: Don’t look to make a statement in the bathroom. In a small space, it is best to stay neutral, nondescript and make it a habit to disinfect the space.
  • Curtain Call: Store bought shower curtains should be replace every six months to a year or even sooner if the bottom portion changes color. That’s called mildew
  • Purge the Porn: If it needs to be in the bathroom, find some space in the vanity under the sink.
  • Metro-Product Control: Products should have their own space. Sprawling all your beauty products makes you look vain, especially if clearly takes over the double sinks. Carve out a place for someone else’s tooth brush.

Factor in few of these tips and you’ll have a space worthy of the porcelain gods!





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